The talk. Again.
TALK: to deliver or express in speech
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/talk
Bedtime. It’s the time when I’m so tired I can barely stand it. It’s also the time when my girls want to have a heart to heart. They want to share with me the intimate details of their day. I know this, yet, I often find myself feeling much too tired for it. I’m getting better at it but it’s still a challenge.
Tonight, as I was putting my five-year-old to bed, she said, “I feel sad for you because you’re divorced.” Ah, here it is. THE talk. Again.
I’ve been through it with my oldest and now I’m doing it again. From time to time the topic is revisited and although it’s getting easier to remember the script (“Your father and I divorced because we couldn’t stop fighting. We tried and tried but we just couldn’t make it work. We both love you very much. Our divorce is not your fault. It’s ours.”).
What doesn’t get easier, however, is watching the tears well up in those beautiful, blue eyes. Watching the sadness, seeing the pain. And, there’s nothing I can do to stop it. Divorce hurts.
When I told the girls’ pediatrician that I was getting divorced she looked so sad. Then I asked her, while fighting back tears, what I can do, what I should do to make it as easy as possible for the girls. She said “Tell them all the time that it’s not their fault. Tell them over and over and over again. They’ll always need to hear it. Keep telling them it’s not their fault.” And so I do. Every time it comes up I ask them if they understand that it’s not because of them. They’re good little girls. They say the right thing (“Yes, Mommy, I know it’s not my fault.”).
But, I’ve been in their shoes. I know that no matter how many times I read books or was told that it wasn’t because of me, I blamed myself for my own parents’ divorce. If only I’d behaved more, talked less, behaved less, talked more…
So, if you have to go through a divorce yourself, find someone you trust to talk to. Actually find five people. You will need to talk about it so many times. You’ll need to tell your story again and again so you can begin to make sense of the madness and heal.
And remember that your kids need to talk about it too. Again and again. And just when you think “Whew, I’m glad that phase is over.” They ask about it. And you’re having THE talk. Again.
NOTE: I highly recommend Dinosaurs Divorce by Marc Brown.
