Mar 28 2009

Faith… By Request

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Faith is the confident belief in the truth of or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing, that is characteristically held without proof.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Faith

I was talking with a client today and he requested another blog entry. I’ve been moving from event to event so much lately that I haven’t dedicated time to my writing. I also noticed that the busier I got doing footwork to find a job in teaching, manage my finances during an economic crisis, and working to maintain a happy home for my girls and me, I’ve forgotten to worry about what might happen in the future. What a relief.

Then, it hit me. I’ve been practicing my faith. But what is it that I believe in?

I have friends who have been incredibly supportive and sent me cards, e-mails, texts, and verbally affirmed that I’m worthy of happiness and success. Initially, their words fell like a thud before me as I was still reeling from a failed marriage, a rough year of teaching, and two lay-offs in as many years. How could they be right? I’m divorced, single, unemployed, and barely managing to keep my head above water.

But, although I didn’t in myself, I was willing to believe them. In my chosen religion, there are a lot of things we strive to believe in yet I struggle to really, really believe it. In those times I act as if I believe and I practice, to the best of my ability, the faith of my childhood. It’s comforting to sit in a room full of people all believing (or trying to believe) in the same idea.

And, so, as my friends supported me with kind words and actions, I tried to believe that what they were saying was true. What if I really am a child of God and a person of worth? What if everything really is going to be okay? What if I do find a job, keep my house, and stay in a neighborhood I love? What if my dreams really do come true?

Today my client offered me a part-time job with full time pay all with the understanding that when I start working as a teacher, I will stop working for him. Wow. I didn’t expect it. I didn’t know that would be how I could spend my summer. Did it really happen for me? It really did.

And, when I reflect upon today’s events, I consider that the faith that pulled me through the most was not a faith in the mysteries of my religion or the faith in our government, not the faith in karma or hard work. It was my faith in a Power much greater than myself and my imagination…my faith in God that no matter what I do or don’t do, I’m worthy. So, I might as well work hard and feel worth of the good that life has to offer. Otherwise I’d just feel guilty for taking good stuff I didn’t deserve and you already know how I feel about guilt!


Mar 5 2009

The Worry Mask…

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Worry is an emotion in which a person feels anxious or concerned about a real or imagined issue…

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Worry

I’ve written about guilt in parenting and that guilt is an attempt to change the past. I can’t. The past is gone. But what about the future?

There’s so much potential for failure! As a single parent, there’s no one standing beside me to share the blame. I can’t look over to a husband and say “Well, he…” or even “Well, we…” It’s just me and that makes me wonder, is worry just a way for me to avoid being responsible for my decisions? Is it just a way to mask a deeper issue? Am I afraid of responsibility? Ouch!

“Responsibility is the ability to respond.”

Not respond perfectly, just respond. But what if my response isn’t the right one? What if I’m *GASP* wrong? Is my fear of responsibility just a mask to hide my perfectionism?

I love being right and despise being wrong, especially if someone else points it out! I used to enjoy being a perfectionist. Then I had children. Children have no problem pointing out when I do something wrong. And, I can take it from the kids, usually. Is my perfectionism a mask for something else? Oh, no! Say it isn’t so…